thoughts

i've been thinking lately.

i guess that's a good thing, but at the same time, who knows anymore? have i got good goals set out for myself? what the heck have i done with four years in high school? where am i going? when will i know? and then but a whisper of a question hits me so hard i nearly fell off my chair and onto my tush. "who am i? "

we all remember those words made famous by comedic hero derik zoolander, but i think this can and very well should be taken in a much more serious light. the problem is.. well i just don't know anymore. my life's been taking changes; its frightening. i look around, everyone seems to be so set into their little niches. but what of me? am i the puzzle piece with a bunch of sides to fit in all the groups i associate with, or just that little piece that you always see but the colors don't quite match up, and the edges are curved just the wrong way. 

here's what i've come up with in these few minutes:

my name is trevor todd brown.

i belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

i have a family that loves me.

i go to tesoro high school, where i have friends near and dear to my heart. 

i've always been a 'part' of ASB, whether they like it or not i'm here to stay.

i'm on the tesoro surf team, which ended up being more like i'm a member of the group of kids that goes down to the beach to surf together tuesday and thursday.

i love dance parties.

i love the beach. 

i procrastinate.

i hang out with foothill friends more than my own family, therefore they are my family.

i look up to so many people, i feel my neck cramp sometimes.

its arguable that i am a 'facebook whore'.

i love to write, to express myself.

sometimes i think i'm schizophrenic, or that i just need a wider audience. 

sometimes i catch myself. 

i look to the future about as much as the past.

i am scared. 

i honestly don't know why i'm being so open. 

i know a lot of stuff. i can reason out a lot more. but there's  so much to learn, i can't wait to soak it in.

that'll do for now. 

i got a little sidetracked, but it worked out.

i want to try something new.. boycott facebook. not for anyone but myself. i need a break. i need to look to myself a little more often; i'll need help. 

the season

i'd like to propose a change.

some may take it hard, even question my logic.

from the moment thanksgiving dinner ends, 

(according to target a few weeks before)

we enter the season of winter.

often synonymous with Christmas, 

some have labeled it as:

"the season of thanks",

"the season of joy",

"the season of giving".

with my limited capacity for reason, 

i feel we ought to change one word.

that's all i ask; 1 word.

of should now become for.

"the season: forgiving"

what better gift can one receive than forgiveness?

i know we strive to obtain it, in many respects, everyday.

so here it is, christmas day. you're all forgiven. 

i just hope you can do the same for me

A Heartfelt Message

I like shout outs.

They make the person of interest happy,

often anyone who notices will do the same.

Especially in writing, where the shout will live,

announcing to the world of this person.

That's why this one is for you.

I miss your reassuring consultations,

the way we would play soccer after school;

our intellectual discussions.

Raise your hands and clap.

She's a mentor and a scholar.

Some say she drove an element.

Her name is Aubrey Brennan.

-------------------------------------

Not to be a downer, but there is more to miss.

6 months ago, I too embarked on a journey;

it would change me, open my eyes;

there's a world out there, more than Coto.

Spain.

All around, people to listen to;

culture to soak in, the wonders of the world, 

still unfolding to me. I can't imagine it;

a place where I learn, every moment I live.

I thrive off of learning.

Be it how to add vectors,

or how another person lives their life.

I want to know. And I've got a long way.

There are cities without number,

cultures without description,

and me without knowledge.

I want to see the world, like I once did.

Spain was just the start.

I have 193 countries to go.

In them, many, many more people to meet.

And it all began from my trip to Spain.

Maybe it isn't at all that I miss Spain,

though I know that I do.

More than that, I miss what happened.

I miss the experience, the learning.

Don't fret TBrown, you'll be back.

Paper & Pen

This one's for you, mjm, thanks for reminding me of blogger, my emotional stress release.

I'm burning my candle on both ends.

Staying up late, and waking for seminary;

It can only last so long.

To this, can I attribute my lack of posts?

No time to sleep, certainly no time to write.

But there is one;

One who has reminded my why I do this.

It is for you, my imaginary audience,

And you, those who actually read.

I've thought up so many brilliant ideas;

To speak of my onset of schizophrenia,

The way I live my life at school,

My recent re-affiliation with a part of my life,

But today, it is of old fashioned ink and paper.

With no time to write, there is no time to type.

I've found a solution.

Instead of being the fancy-pants typist I am, 

I've switched to something more fun:

Writing.

Here it is; I lay down the tip of my pen to the paper,

And my thoughts are immortalized.

There is no "ctrl+z" in this world,

This world is of squiggles and lines.

It reminds me, none of this blogging is perfect.

Not only this, but I can write in class.

I'm sitting in stats, pretending to take notes.

Before I was in Lit. "listening" to a discussion.

In physics now.

By the way, I went to maybe 1/2 of my classes last week.

Oh well, I'm a senior.

my friends, my life

"you, complete, me"

everyone remembers that line, when the joker is dangling upside down. everyone will remember those that complete them, those that have made them who they are today.

Dear Youth:

so i road the tuesday morning ride today... yeah.
one can only describe it as the hardest thing i'll do this week, until next tuesday at 6:15am. but, as i try my hardest to do everyday, i learned something!

Dear Youth:
I'll never forget the things you have done for me. From the moment I was brought into your care, I have never missed a beat on improving my life. Each day is a chance to make something better, do something faster, or endure longer than that which was previous. This morning, I thought of something great. I don't know if anyone has described you like this before, and if they have, all credit to them. "Today I feel better than last week. I've ridden faster and harder than ever before, and yet there is still more in me to continue the push for victory. I don't understand it in the least; I don't care though." It intrigues me, this constant refining of my skills and abilities. It motivates me, to be better than before, to ride just that much faster, to work that much harder. It captivates me, to think that even though I am setting new records, I feel amazing. Fresh, almost. Thank you, my dearest Youth, and please don't leave me when I grow old.

Love always,
Trevor Brown

i'd like to go to d land today, but no one is answering the phone.
i'm supposed to go surfing today, but my pass is almost up at the happiest place on earth.
i'm willing to finally get to that summer homework, but something inside is holding me back.

maybe its just that this summer has been too great, too much for me to move on to the excitement and perils of school. but, as always, i'll persevere and resume my studies.

[two] points for honesty

By trevop
it must make you sad to know that, no body cares at all.

i think i'm just going to buy a journal.
although there are few filters in place here at blogspot, i can hold nothing back in a journal.
Honesty, its one of my toughest attributes.
i'm usually quite honest in my dealings with my fellow men, but i'm having a bit of a problem.
there's just too much going on in my mind, too many things to worry bout, too much to write.
i'm omitting,
omitting stanzas of the epic that is my life, and i don't like it.
i try to hard to be modest, to spare others the pains of my heart.
and then there's the times when i feel i'm revealing too little, like i'm holding back from my fans.
and it sickens me.
this should be a place to learn about my life, not just the side i like to share.
so, if indeed i am failing as a twenty-first century blogger, should i even make the attempt?
oh, the troubles of my blogging career.

on the bright side, i was told something remarkable yesterday, and i enjoyed it.

"your blog puts a poetic spin on everyday life, and i really like it" - mjm

so, if only for the sake of my viewer that cares, i'll continue to write the things i like in life;
omitting those that might bore or worry you.

i'm in love, i'm in love, and i don't care who knows it!

as many of you (scott hill) may know, i've recently fallen in love. 

with a bike, that is.

as the son of a national champion, i guess it was destined to happen eventually. although i had been in the saddle probably more times than most, it was not until july 18th, 4:30pm that i discovered for myself the joy of it all. 

clip in, jump to the start. each pedal stroke a small victory, i power my way to speed. get in my grove, that's the goal; keep the legs steady, try not to think about it; just to the top of this hill and i'll be good. i reach the summit, time for the thrilling descent known as rattle snake trail. hold on tight, don't look off the trail.

i'd write more of my thoughts but i just got back from a ride and i'm all sweaty. just had a shake and its time to swim.

there's just something about working for the downhills, the feeling that i have earned this rush of speed and exhilaration is indescribable. now if i could only put that willpower to complete the hill to things like reading frankenstein for summer homework.

p.s.

i'm worried about the survival of blogspot. i feel i'm the only one out here, the only one revealing my thoughts to the world. the only one actually reading them.

sorrow

please, if you don't want to hear me complain, just skip this post.

i'm not one to complain all that much, but i hear that for the sake of my emotional stability i have to express my pains. which means, that for the next few sentences i'll be letting out my sorrows.

i'm not angry, no not in the least. on may 29th, however, something hit me like a train. this little piece of imformation, those few lines, those characters assembled to resemble a meaning, hit me harder than anything i've ever had to deal with. luckily, i went to utah straightaway after, and could escape my worst fears and most haunting nightmare. the peace was short lived, as i had to return to school the following wednesday. life was hard, i forced myself to avoid the problem instead of confronting it. i thought that i could outrun it. for a while, this worked. this whole summer has been great, no need to even think of the tragedy that struck so soon before. but, as little annoyances always do, i was reminded recently. it feels like that train that hit me so long ago is still going over my useless body, and with all my efforts i can not elude the pain. maybe it will pass, maybe what happened was for the better, maybe i'm just as crazy as they say i am. all i can do now is hope this will pass over me, that i can overcome this grief and move on. all i can do is hope that i can maintain my friendships, see through the past, be as mature and i pose myself to be.

well thanks for listening. if you understood the event, sorry. i did not try very hard to mask it, and i sure wish this doesn't offend anyone.

and sorry about the complaints, but its for my own mental stability.

170640

170640. 

i've waited 170640 hours.

that's 10238400 minutes.

7110 days.

almost 17 years.

but now i'm done waiting lets move on with life

by the way efy was great, provo is by far the most fun, and i can't wait to come home to play with my buds. i've thought about throwing up some pictures onto this thing, so get excited for the day i actually do it.

and i miss the beach and moist air

its over.

last week, i had the pleasure of enduring a week alone. for the first time, almost all of my friends were gone. efy claimed some, others swept away by a cruise, and more travelled to far and distant places. to be honest, it was reall relaxing. 

nothing to do? that's ok, i'll just read tarzan or ride my bike

lay out by the pool? alright.

well it was fun while it lasted, but i'm sure glad its over.